ROFLMAO MEMOIRS

Time for...

2011-01-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

Change.

2009-09-03T10:28:00.002-06:00

My name is Pabst Selker, Heavy Machinery Operator #9. I often find myself daydreaming on the job. This is why I was recently fired from Ticker, Inc. where I had the pleasure of lifting pallets of string cheese onto shelves.

Why do you care about any of this, you might be asking yourself. Good... very good. I see that you are asking yourself this question. I see that you are an intelligent person. Well, being one of those myself, I feel that it is only fair to inform you of my intentions. Bear with me.

I recently received an email from Modiwa Latima of Sierra Leone. He informed me of a tragedy that recently happened in his family. In short, his father--who was the president of his own diamond mining company--was assassinated. Fearing for his life and the lives of those in his family, he decided to uproot and relocate to a nearby village on the border of Sierra Leone and Liberia called Kakata. From here, he's been frantically trying to reach somebody, anybody who can help him secure the fortune that his father left for him and his family.

When I first received his email, I thought logically. Why would someone in Kakata be contacting a podunk little HMO (heave mahinery operator) for help with such a financial pickle? Why in Chad, Alabama? Why not someone else? Why me? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Who? Google was the answer.

Therefore, I googled this man and found out that he was an extremely powerful African man-god who had blessed/wreaked havoc on thousands of African villages throughout the millenia. This being the case, I figured that I'd better help this homeboy out unless I wanted havoc wreaked on me. I sent him a significant chunk of my life savings... ok, all of it. He needed it in order to get the enough leverage to get the money from the [insert more financial jargon here]. Anyway, now I'm just waiting. For what you might be wondering? Oh, you know.

So how does this inolve you? It doesn't.

Lorsque en France: the longest blog entry to date... in the world!

2009-06-25T06:21:00.031-06:00

I reckon I should apologize for two things. One, for delaying this blog for so long. Two, for unloading it all at once. It might take you a little while to read it, but just remember, it took me longer to write it. Besides, it’s 2 late 2 pologize, anyway. Anyone? No? No takers? OK, I'ma start from square one as best as I can. I'm sure I'll miss something or other here and there... such is life. A'ight. Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times... and thank you for visiting me hear at Blog-neyland (interesting fact: a general rule of thumb is that the French people essentially detest anything Disney. Quel horreur!)

Avant de partir des États-Unis

I passed a wonderful last few moments with friends and family chez moi (at home) and then my wonderful parents took me to the SLC airport where I waited, with fingers crossed, to see if I was going to make it to France that day. This time, flying standby certainly paid off. After a few minutes of stressing about whether I was going to get on the plane or not, the gate agent listed my name on the boarding list. What a relief! What's more, when you fly standby, they typically fill up all of the business class seats before they put anyone in coach. Such was the case this time. I sat next to a very nice lady who showed me all the perquisites (look that one up... it's English) and bells and whistles of flying with the big boys. Let me just say that it's going to be hard to go back to flying in coach, and this is why... preflight, I was offered my choice of orange juice or champagne. Figuring that it was a rather special occasion—I was heading to France and I was riding in the business class—I opted for the orange juice. After we took off, my flight attendant (yeah... MY flight attendant) who I will call Deborah said, “Mr. Holloman? I'm Deborah, and I'll be taking care of you for the remainder of the flight. Don't hesitate to let me know if you need anything.” After we were at the cruising altitude, the attendants came around with hot towels so we could freshen up before our appetizer. If I remember correctly, it consisted of some crazy dank delicacies that I'd never heard of before. I had, for my main course, some sort of pumpkin ravioli. After that I had some fancy cheeses and a custom-made bowl of ice cream. They really wouldn't stop feeding me food and beverage. I've never been treated so much like a king. After I was stuffed with 16 cubic yards of food/drink, I reclined my seat all the way back and pulled out my personal TV which had a jillion channels and movies (<----although these are paid models, they do a ver good job at expressing the high class one enjoys whilst in biz class) I could watch. I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” but unfortunately fell asleep towards the end. Anyway, I digress. I know you don't want to hear my incessant rambling about how cool business class was... for what it's worth, I really don't want to write any more about it. I really feel bad that none of you got to fly business class with me. It's ripping me apart to put you through this. Suffice it to say, it was/will remain one of the best experiences of my life, next to the day I was saved and the day I'll get married/have kids... what? Oh yeah, I gotta shout out some thanks to my homeboy, Nang Sung Lee, for hooking me up with the buddy pass.

Dès ce temps-là jusqu'à présent

I love it here! The people, for the most part, are really awesome. I mean, there are exceptions to that rule everywhere you go. For example, one day, my hostess gave me five euros to buy two baguettes. Pas de problème. I had a break between my classes and I thought that I'd go buy them then because sometimes les boulangeries run out of bread as the day goes on. Long story short, I went to one just down the street from my school. I said, “Je voudrais deux baguettes, s'il vous plaît (I would like two baguettes please).” She prepared them for me by wrapping them scantily in little pieces of paper. This is how they normally do it, so it's not like she knew I was American and was treating me like crap or anything. Knowing that I'd be carrying the baguettes around for a while until I got home, I politely asked “Pourrais-je prendre un peu plus grand sac (Could I take a little bit bigger sack)?” To that she responded, “Non.” And that was that. I was kind of dumbfounded. The French's sense of customer service is completely different than ours. She explained to me after I looked a bit shocked that the sacks were for the “special bread.” Ce n'était pas grave. (This is my room... it's dope, I know----->) It was just funny as I'll get out. And by the time I got the baguettes home, they were kind of sad looking. It's OK, though because they still tasted about 8 million times better than anything you could buy in the states for the same price. Seriously, Wonder Bread sucks the behind of French transients, who, by the way, often smell of the most pungent, unearthly filth. I reckon they don't even have to be transients. Like the other day at church, for example... there was a (I believe they were) British couple who reeked to high heaven. I think it was just the old man, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he hadn't showered for a couple months. They were sitting right behind us, and I had to lean forward the whole time to prevent myself from chundering all over the place. It was pretty dég. Mais, c’est la vie, I guess. I guess on the flipside of it all, they’re conserving more water by not showering as often. Speaking of showering, I reckon I should talk a little bit about where I live.

Regardez. This is building in which my house is. The entire top floor of the house is my bedroom. The entire building dates back to the 18th century sometime and belonged to some rich noble dude. It’s since been remodeled and now houses about 10 different homes. It’s totally decked out with nice, new hardwood floors ad what not. The kitchen is stocked with an oven that could land a module on the moon if it had to. It’s crazy! I’ve made root beer over here a couple times (thanks to my mom and aunt Cheryl for sending me the extract). Sadly, the French don’t get what’s so great about that godly drink… whatev. More for me and my American friends. Anyway, to make root beer, you have to boil water and dissolve sugar therein. Well, when I prepare the water on the computer in the kitchen, it’s boiling in like 1.2392 minutes. Insane. So yeah. Pretty much every other student is jealous of my living situation here. I have to admit that I consider myself VERY VERY VERY lucky to have been hooked up with Evelyne and her kids. Jordy the Tiger says, “They’re grrrrrreeeeeeat!”

Evelyne, the mom of the household, is a crazy-hard worker. She never stops, and I find myself telling her from time to time that she needs to slow down and take a break… and eat something. She’s very skinny. Regardless, she’s awesome and ALWAYS in good spirit and cares a ton about her family and her guests (AKA me and Ashley… another exchange student who is from Michigan). I’m pretty sure she’s the nicest French lady that has ever lived. She might even qualify for nicest lady in the world competition if there was such thing. Ha ha! That would be so funny! (left: Ashley; right: Evelyne----->) Nothing would get done because all the competitors would just keep saying, “no, after you. I insist” and “I really don’t deserve this trophy, so I’m going to give it to the next person.” I can see it now. Genius. Then, the real way to win would be by being the most genuinely modest of the group. Yeah. I’m gonna write that idea up and send it to Simon Cowell. OK, where was I? Yeah. Evelyne works as a journalist for a local newspaper called La Nouvelle République. It’s so cool. She told me that she knows a lot of people because she’s always writing stories about different local topics. I believe her, and I have many reasons to justify my belief. For example, I think it was the first or second day of classes, and she was walking with me on her way to work. Just as we were about to Les Cents Marches (an ancient-ish stairway shortcut into town), a calèche (horse-drawn carriage) was passing by. Coincidentally, she was writing a story about the calèche in Tours, so she flagged the driver down, had me climb in for a picture (she takes her own pics for the newspaper, too), then climbed in after me, and we got a ride to town. (<------walking Les Cents Marches) It was awesome, and I’m positive that I was the only kid in town who got a ride to school in a calèche that day, except for the cute little 6-year-old French girl who was sitting next to the driver. She was probably his daughter or something. She was the cutest little thing du monde, and her eyes were beautiful enough to paralyze. I like that… eyes… paralyze. Bon.

Yeah, Evelyne rocks. She’s a bomb cook, too. The French cuisine rocks! I eat very well all of the time. I love the fact that I can walk into a bakery and get an entire fresh, delicious baguette for about $0.80. Alongside the bread, the cheese is great and cheap as well. Another great thing I’ve discovered since being over here is the kebab. They’re basically as healthy as eating 6 triple cheeseburgers blended together with bacon lard, but they’re SO GOOD. (A delicious eclaire--->)I’ve been doing pretty well about consuming them moderately, but sometimes I just can’t resist the temptation. Oh yeah, another thing… the place where we get them offers the Formule Classique (which is basically like ordering a #1 on the menu at McDo’s) with frîtes du volonté (unlimited fries). Needless to say, if I stayed here any longer than a month, I probably wouldn’t fit in the seat on the airplane when I can back to the US. Unless, of course, I lucked out and got biz class again (insert Homer Simspon drooling sound here).

One night, Ashley and I are going to make an American dish for our host family, and the rules are that everyone at the table has to speak English… and drink root beer. I haven’t told Ashley about that one yet because she doesn’t like root beer… totally un-American. Her and I have gotten into some pretty good debates (in French, mind you) over silly little things like whether it’s necessary to use soap when you wash dishes. Can you guess which side I argue? Yeah. You’re probably right. That makes two of us (oh burn). We also debate religion, too. That’s good times. She’s a born again Protestant Baptist spitfire bible breathing Christian, and I’m currently a member of the Church of Pink Floyd (I don’t know if this actually exists)? Regardless, it makes for some interesting conversations. Above all, she’s probably the nicest girl in the world, and she’s great because she loves to speak French just as much, if not more than I do. (<-----my school an me). Therefore, whenever we’re together, we speak in French. That makes all the difference in the world when it comes to learning French. I find that if I didn’t go to school with a ton of other Americans, I’d be learning a tone faster. This is why I’ve decided to stay over here and find a job. I’m sorry I had to break it to you guys like this, via my blog and all, but it’s just something I feel like I gotta do. I’ll write often and what not. Ha ha! OK, but seriously, I really could see myself coming back here sometime in the near future. I just HAVE to learn to speak/understand fluently. I don’t know if there’s any other way. Evelyne said that she’d be willing to talk with me about renting a room from her. That would be awesome! I’m thinking I might move out here for a couple of months after I graduate this December. Ouai, ça serait très stylé. Time will tell. Good times.

In other news, Evelyn also has two kids who are awesome. I love them to death. There is Thibault (16-year-old boy, pronounced Tee-bo) and Ninon (14-year-old girl, pronounced Nee-nohn). They’re great kids. I love playing football (AKA soccer) with them. In fact, I played a match with them today. And almost every night, Thibault and I faire des pompes (do pushups). Ninon is a little cutie. They’re totally at that age, though. I mean, you know? They’re kind of like little rebels every now and then. For example, we’ll all be eating dinner and we’ll all be talking about something, and when there’s a word or something that I don’t understand, the kids are right on the ball trying to explain it to me. They offer me the “new-age” definition or what one says currently, and when they’re mom tries to add anything, they roll their eyes and remind her how old school she is. It’s a very lively dynamic in this household. The French are VERY proud people and are very concerned about how they appear to others. That’s probably why they are one of the leaders in the world of fashion. If it’s cool, the French are doing it… well, at least the young, impressionable French. For example, for some reason, it’s way cool to smoke over here. I mean, they know darn well that smoking causes lung cancer, but ils s’en fichent (they don’t give a damn). It’s interesting, they are really on top of fitting in with the latest fashions and what not, but when it comes to respecting authority, they strive towards the contrary. Anyhow, the kids are way awesome, and they’re always on Facebook. At least I know I won’t have any problems keeping in touch after I take off.

My daily routine is just that: pretty routine. I wake up in time for class at 9:00 AM. Breakfast is always ready for me. I appreciate Evelyne because she understands that b-fast is the most important meal of the day for Americans. I mean, I don’t get biscuits and gravy or anything, but I always get my fill of cereal and delicious bread, butter, and homemade confiture (jam). There’s also this delicious French specialty called “Quatre Quarts (four quarters).” It simply has equal amounts of four different ingredients: flour, sugar, eggs, butter. It’s so simple. Evelyn said she was going to teach me how to make it. She also said that she is going to teach me how to make real French crêpes and gaufres (waffles). Yeah, I’m totally stoked. Anyway, I’m way lucky because a lot of French people only drink a cup of coffee and eat a piece of bread in the morning. That’s it. (Medieval Tours, where I walk everyday to school------>) Some of the other students are getting a different French experience. Luckily for me, Ninon is really really picky. I mean, I’m not picky at all with what I’m fed, but it’s nice to know that Evelyne is patient and understanding about certain dietary needs. OK, anyway. My routine. I wake up, shower, eat breakfast, and then walk to school. The Institute de Touraine is about a 25 to 30 minute walk from where I live. It’s a really beautiful walk. I have to cross a bridge called le Pont Napoléon where there are almost always fishers with gigantic poles hoping to catch something in the river below. After I get over the bridge, it’s a short ways to Medieval Tours and La Place Plumeraux. It’s absolutely amazing that I get to walk through streets that people have traversed for five or more centuries. Cool side note: remember how Evelyne knows a lot of people? Well, she knows a lady named Véronique who lives at the Place Plume in an ancient house. I kid you not, parts of it date back to like the 14th or 13th century. SO RAD! Anyway, she was such a character. (<-----Saint Martin... again, I walk by this daily). Apparently she bought the house back when the Place Plume was a freakin’ dumpy ghetto or something. Now the Place Plume is pretty much the most popular place in Tours. Needless to say, her house is pretty much priceless now. She gave us an amazing tour and explained a bunch of the history involving the house and the surrounding areas. Cool. A’ight. After I pass the Place Plume (and the bon bon shop), I get to walk past a couple of old towers that were part of some ancient castle/cathedral. They’re the only things that remain of it, but one of them is still a bell tower which I can hear from my room at night (it’s about a mile or two away). After that, I get to walk by (remember, this is every day) La Cathedrale de Saint-Martin. It’s beautiful, and they still use it to this day. In fact, Pope John Paul II visited it back when he was alive. I don’t know if that makes it a Basilica or what. Anyway, it’s way rad. After I pass all that cool stuff, I arrive at my school, which, like my house, probably once belonged to some rich nobleman. It’s way cool. (the view out of the top window of my school------->) All of my professors are awesome (and some are pretty foxy, too). I think the way they speak makes them more attractive. I don’t know. Someone should study that. My primary teacher is Claudine. She is so awesome. She’s very patient with everybody and especially me and my weird sense of humor. For example, I have, since being here, made up two jokes that French people actually get. I mean, they’re not incredible, but you know? Anyway, she totally tolerates me. In fact, after my joke today, she said “pas mal (not bad)” while simultaneously looking astonished that I was so freakin’ clever. Ha ha! Vraiment, je suis très modèste.

The classes here are really easy. Well, the French grade really hard/strictly, but the classroom environment feels a lot like an elementary school. It’s really frustrating from time to time when you can’t express yourself the way you want to. Fact of the matter is, however, that we’re forced to speak French. I mean, if we’re stuck on a word or something, we usually just shout it out and another student or the teacher helps us figure it out. All in all, I like it a lot. I really wish, though, that there weren’t any Americans around. It’s way too easy to simply default back to English. (<----Claudine, our teacher, is the coolest!) Meh, I guess that’s why I’m just going to have to come back and live for a little while. I quite enjoy living the European lifestyle… well, I reckon it’s a little more Ameropean or Eurican. You know… because I’m not actually European? Yeah. Speaking of, I am really happy and proud to say that I’m from America. It’s such a great country. I mean, we have our problems, but I always feel great when I come home from out of the states. It’s a really weird “I’m finally home” or comfortable kind of feeling. It doesn’t matter if I’m in Cincinnati or Utah, it’s still America, and everyone speaks my language.

Moving along… I’ve had some really cool opportunities to visit really cool places with some good friends that I’ve made along the way. I met a kid named Dane who is one of the best guys I’ve ever met. He speaks/understands French practically impeccably and he’s always teaching me new stuff. Anyway, a couple weekends ago, we had the opportunity to go to Amboise and Blois. Each place was awesome in its own way. For example, in Amboise, there was an old château of which about 85% had been destroyed for some reason or another. Amboise is also home to the grave of Leonardo di Vinci. (Dane at Amboise-->)We visited his house and saw a handful of his inventions therein. It was way radical, dude. Way inspiring. That guy was a bleeding genius in every sense of the word. After Amboise, we went to the châtaeu at Bloise. It was really awesome, too. It was great, because the Institute de Touraine (where I go to school) provided a tour guide named Olivier who is a teacher at the institute. He is awesome! (<----Olivier at Aboise) He spoke completely in French, but he did so in such a passionate, animated way that I could understand just about everything he was saying. It was also great that he knew so much about the history of all of the places. For example, the château at Bloise is divided into three distinct parts where one can see three different eras (13th, 16th, and 17th/18th centuries). It simply amazes me that these places were once houses for people. Anyway, I think from now on, when I go to museums or historical sites or what not, I’m going to read as much as I can about the place or hire a tour guide. It makes it way more memorable than simply oo-ing and ah-ing at everything.

By far, my favorite excursion happened last weekend. After our classes on Friday, Dane, Kelsea, Alli, and moi caught a train up to a town in Normandy called Caen (pronounced Cahn). This town is one of the many that is famous for its historical relics of WWII, and Obama was there a couple of weeks ago. It was a beautiful city. I swear around every corner, there was a giant cathedral. It was nuts! Anyway, we ate pizza in town on the lawn of a giant fortress of an old castle. It’s crazy. I think after you’re here for a while, you start to become desensitized to the fact that you’re constantly surrounding by beautiful, old architecture. I mean, at the time, it just seemed normal that we were sitting in front of a giant castle. Crazy. Anyway, after we ate, we walked around the city for a little bit. We found these fun workout machines that had been permanently installed around this park. Needless to say, we had a dang good time with them. After that, we went back to the hostel and crashed. The next morning, we rented a sweet little car and drove around to all of the cool different sites of the D-Day. Omaha beach was amazing. It was crazy to see that world-famous cemetery in person. It was a really sobering experience, well. It varies from person to person, but a lot of people still hold very strong sentiments of gratitude that so many Americans gave their lives for the cause of liberty. Being down on the beach itself was awesome, as well. The water was actually pretty nice. I think it’d be a little less enjoyable if a bunch of Nazis were shooting .30 caliber rounds in rapid succession in your general direction, but I’m just not sure. I kind of got an idea of what it would’ve been like as I stormed the beach myself. There were only a few differences between the day I stormed Omaha Beach and the actual D-Day, and they are as follows: it wasn’t low tide (which man the run about 150 to 200 yards shorter that what the soldiers had to do), I wasn’t packing 40 pounds of gear, I wasn’t soaked with seawater, I hadn’t just ridden in a crappy vomit-inducing landing craft for two hours, I wasn’t being shot at nor were people dying all around me. Those are just a few of the differences. Yeah, but seriously, though. Everyone should find the chance to go check it out at least once. It made me reflect a bit about how much some people have sacrificed so that I would be able to enjoy the life that I have today. I mean, I don’t mean to get all mushy or political on you, but seriously. What am I doing today that will leave the world a better place for those who come after me? Am I doing anything? I don’t know. It’s a good thing to think, though. I think…

After visiting some awesome place that would take me forever to tell you about, and having a car at our disposal, we decided to take advantage of our freedom. We drove a little more south and west from where we were. There, we saw le Mont Saint-Michel in all its glory at night. It was seriously like a dream. That’s the only way I can describe it. Or maybe I could say that it was like being a cartoon in a Disney movie. Mont Saint-Michel itself is a little island which is actually home to a small community of about 60 people. There are also a handful of monks who live there in silence. I totally have to go back there someday… my professor was telling me that you can stay the night for free there with the monks as long as you agree to be silent and what not. I wish I would’ve known that. I totally would’ve done it. Oh. Interesting side note: while walking around the city walls, we ran into this Bretône (someone from Britagne) who talked to us about how he wished the Germans would’ve won WWII. He went on about some other crap about how there was going to be revolution in France and how there was going to be a pure race and what not. He also said some pretty nasty things about Americans… no reservations or anything. Straight to our faces. I then asked him, “Qu’est-ce que vous ferez comme métier (what do you do for a living)?” To that, he said that he worked in tourism. Ha ha! Tourism seems like kind of a pansy job for someone as “hardcore” as he was. You think he’d be fighting a little more against the man and burning more flags and what not. He was a major douche. And at the end of it all, he told us that we had the power to change things if we’d only pull our heads out of our asses. Ha ha! It was a great experience. I think that bro was like the French equivalent of a KKK or a neo-Nazi, except he was way more of a wuss. That seems to be typical French, though: a lot of talk, not a lot of walk.

I don’t remember much or any of the drive home. I crashed for most of it. That was an amazing weekend. And as if Normandy wasn’t cool enough, this last Sunday was la Fête de la Musique. It’s kind of like the 4th of July in that it’s a nationwide celebration in which pretty much everyone participates. It’s different in the sense that it’s solely for the celebration of music. (kick ace break dancers at the fete----->) There were bands and all types of musicians/performers everywhere! Rock here, samba drum line there, death metal here, break dancing there, DJ’s here, punk rock there… it was astounding. I really wish that we celebrated things more often like they do over here. The streets were filled with people… a lot of them drunk or well on their way. It was way good times. I’m going to see if Pleasant Tree or perhaps The Mitchy Evans Project would like to come over and perform next year. I think it’d be good times… ha ha!

OK, I’m going to wrap this up. Bottom line: I’m having a great time and it’s going to be hard to leave. On the flipside, I’m really looking forward to Camp Kern this summer. I’m starting to get the camp itch/bug. It’s going to be wonderful. On the camp note, I find myself from time to time missing Cherry Valley… it’s a’ight though. I will return. Don’t cry for me, Cherry Vallentina. Pour finir, sorry it has taken me so long to write this bad boy… wait a second. No I’m not. Let’s all just take a minute and remember whose blog this is. That’s right. It’s mine. And I choose when I’m going to write and what not! OK, seriously… if you’re reading this, I most likely love you. À prochaine! P.S. Let us all follow the advice of the late M.J. who said, "heal the world... make it a better place." (moonwalk).

My Blog Could Beat Up Your Blog!

2009-04-10T08:15:00.007-06:00

Yeah, that's right. He said it. What's more is that he meant it. You might be wondering to yourself, "Well, how could this be? I swear my blog is better than his!" The fact of the matter, however, is that you are wrong. This is confirmed in recently conducted Gallup Polls.

In the most recent poll "Whose Blog Could Beat Up Whose?"(February 2009), 98% of those who were polled said that my blog could beat up your blog. The other 2% were biased and angry because my blog had beat them up. Other scientific studies indicate like results. In one recent study conducted by Dr. Brad G. Spitzer and associates, a random sample of blogs were selected from all around the world. After months of testing and analysis, they concluded with 0% error that my blog was "incredibly and ferociously prone to beating up [any]one's blog..." (p. 39).

All these stats might seem scary and/or what not to you, but fear not. It's truly a peaceful blog. In fact, it has actually never beat up any blogs to date. "You know, there's really no need to go around proving something that everybody already knows is true. I strive to use my powers and talents for good; not to the detriment of those around me," said Jordan's blog on ROFLMAO MEMOIRS.

There is much we can learn from such a powerful and benevolent blog. "I learn and relearn from my blog everyday," says the blogs author Jordan, "I learn how make whatever it wants to eat and relearn how to say 'yes sir' in response to everything it says." For starters as the general public, we can learn how to be more powerful and benevolent. Not too powerful or benevolent, however.

THIS JUST IN! The Nobel Peace Prize has just been awarded to Jordan's blog for being more benevolent than yours! Stayed tuned. The weather is next.

There, Mount Foliage! Arne Youn Hanppyn?!?

2008-12-17T15:50:00.005-07:00

Sometimes your friends make you do things that you don't really want to do. Then again, sometimes your friends make you do things that you would've regretted not doing. This instance I'm about to tell you about just so happens to be both. I was sitting at work one day, talking to my friend on Google chat. It was good times. Anyway, I then decided that I had to go do some work because when I'm at work, that's probably what I should be doing. When I returned to my work station, I realized that my best friend had pressured me into doing something that I really had no intention of doing for like another 8 years. HE MADE ME WRITE ON MY BLOG! YOU BIG JERKL!

Anyway, now that I'm here, I guess I'd better write something, huh? Well, mister smarty pants... what would you like me to say? Would do you want me to talk about? Huh? HUH?!? Yeah, that's what I thought. You don't even curr, do you? Well, fine. Then I'm just going to talk about whatever I dang well pleenz.

This is finals week. I'm just about done. In fact, I just took a test in my persuasion class today. I feel like it went alright. You know... I'm trying to live by that philosophy "hope for the best; expect the worst." It seems to be working out well. Everything is much better since I've started something I did regularly before finals started... SLEEP. Yeah, there was a period there when I got a toal of 13 hours for three nights. Needless to say, it S-U-C-K-E-D SUCKED. I would be a good cheerleader. I fit at least 2 of the three qualifications:

1. I can count loudly to an audience

2. I have a decent sense of rhythm

3. I'm great at massacring dances

Furthermore, I think insomnia would be the worst condition to have. Good heavens. This is not how I've always been, however. Yes, that's right. Once upon a time I held the position that sleep was for the utmost, non-DEW-drinking pansies. I strived to deprive myself of this weak "necessity" known as "sleep." All-nighters were a regular occurrence for me. Midnight TB runs, likewise. Indeed, I was once a dark warrior of the night, but then it happened--the day none of us ever expect will come. I got tired. That's right! I got tired, and I didn't know what to do about it. I searched incessantly for a cure to this madness... something, ANYTHING that would offer me sweet repose from the tension behind my eyes (it felt like my optical nerves were being tugged at, like the reigns of a miniature demon whore teamster). Then I found it. The cure. No, not the band, although I did find them, too. The cure to my tiredness. You wanna know what it schwas? Well, I'ma tell you what it schwas. I'ma tell you what it schwas before you can say poopty pyoopty paynts! The cure was SLEEP! Yeah, go figure. A full 8 hours (or so) of sleep did the trick! Wow, I'm retarded.

But doesn't that make you just as much so? You know, for reading all of this? Or does it mean you're less so because besides writing it, I actually went back and proofread it? I don't know. In fact, I don't know much. What I do know, though, is that school is pretty much done and through and over with. That I can do.

The Man-Chin?

2008-10-29T21:19:00.001-06:00

I need your opinion... is this the Capitol Man-Chin?

Why would you say yes or no?

Skool ROX!

2008-09-03T14:39:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been sitting around? What about this one... have you ever been sitting around doing nothing? Good. Now try this on for size... have you ever been sitting around doing nothing and then it hit you like a ton of bricks that you were destined to major in communications with an emphasis in argument and decision making and a minor in French from the University of Utah? No? Well, I HAVE!

Yeah, I can't tell you how much more meaningful life has become now that I am studying things that I am passionate about. It's freakin' awesome!

Furthermore, David Hopkins and I are heading to California tomorrow in order to talk with some council executives (potential clients of Camp Works) about turning around some of their camps. The first camp we'll be discussing is Lost Valley. I'm r8 excited about it, even though I'm going to have to miss some school for it. So yeah... can anyone say ROAD TRIP?!?! The second camp we'll be talking about is Mataguay. The thing about these particular camps is that they are practically within a stone's throw of each other, and they're operated by different councils. Anyway, I'm positive that Camp Works will be able to turn them both around because Camp Works works miracles... (TM) OMG!!! Freakin' awesome.

OK. I'ma go ride TRAX now. I recommend that you read DEEP ECONOMY by Bill McKibben. It's an outstanding book. K BAI!

Did I have to? Nay. But I did…

2008-08-12T19:27:00.018-06:00

And if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Big whoop! Wanna fight about it? I don’t even know, man. I mean, It’s like wrap up time in camp now. I love this place so much! It’s ridiculous, really.

It’s been a gr8 summer (<------ROOMIES!) full of learning and Olympics. Speaking of Olympics, I’m totally listening to Tegan & Sara right now. That’s right, the twin sisters that are both lesbians and came in concert with DC4C last May. “How do they have anything to do with the Olympics?” you might be wondering. Well, if there was an Olympic event for being one of the best, rockin’ bands in history, then Death Cab would def take one of the golds. If there was a gold (this is Bear, BTW------->) medal in being the best, hot Canadians that get teenage lesbians to come to your shows,
Tegan & Sara would take the gold.

I’m so impressed with the new DC4C album. That shouldn’t be really surprising, considering that they are amazing. I’ve also been really impressed with the new Coldplay album. I’ve gotta hand it to those guys, there long thoughts and hard work paid off.

The Sandlot is a superb movie and was (<---------these guys rocked!) filmed mostly in Ogden, Utah (thanks Bob Spencer for that tidbit).

I like the spirit of unity the Olympic games bring together (I love this picture!----->). Wouldn’t it be amazing if every nation could get together and peacefully chill all the time? Secondly, Celebrate What’s Right with the World!

And it’s soon back to Utah. To hopefullity of productivity. To word creationing. (<-----this one is entitled: "God Was.") I love the thought of being home. I hate the thought of leaving this place. I love the thought of growing. I hate the thought of depression and stagnation. I love the concept of control. I have it.

The Argentines are hand the Americans’ (I look like a fat man... who's having a rockin' time sailing!---------->) aces to them in volleyball. My friend, Kyle must be torn in two… really proud of one team, but at the same time ashamed of the other. And if the USA was winning, it’d be the same thing.

<---------------------I'm in defense mode for the small vagrants that wish to take this from me!

BEAR! What are you doing? Hop in your chopper, come pick me up, and we go to Vegas! I love you, bro!

Nang Sung & Wife. I love you two. Thanks for making my summer by bringing love to the island.

Mitch! Mario parties! (I'm sad that I'm leaving---------------------->)

Napkic! What is poetry? I’m excite to fly ‘round world with you… OMG!

Badwick? Are you dead?

Family! I love you! Quit breaking your bodies!

<------------Jordan Paul Holloman! I’ll see you later, bro!

The Origin of SHUMP!

2008-08-04T03:22:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a 7th grader who was obsessed with chicken. This 7th grader had am obsessive history. He was known to make up words and phrases like "zoon... zinkeen bam" and "blah ja." He developed antics that would sometimes last for years. Relentlessly exploiting the annoyances of others and using them as tools of torture in his conquest to rule the world, he started with his dog, Tazzman. Whiskers were his thing... it made him yawn with unnervedness. He loved his dog.

This 7th grader woke up one morning and decided that he was going to be a 9th grader. Now a 9th grader, he took his knowledge of language and corrupted all that was therein good. First, he added an N to words and their syllabic rhythms that weren't supposed to be there. Second, that's it. That's all he did.

The concept is easy, really. Try it! Instead of saying, "Please pass the butter peas please," say, "pleaNse paNss theN buNtterN peaNs pleaNse." Some say it sounds like the Indian lady on Dances With Wolves (starring the greatest Nebraskian actor of all time, Kevin Costner). They're wrong. Absolutely wrong. It sounds nothing like that.

Here it is phonetically, "pleenz pants thun peenz pleenz."

"It works. It's hilarious. It's the creation of a genius mind!" said the 9th grader. So he started talking like this to his mother, sister, dad, dog, and friends. One of his friends took it to the limit with him. They lived on happy beaches.

One day, they were skippin’ home from school. They were talnking theirn newn languange, but then they got lazy. Their words started to slur together just like you can contract "do you know what I am saying?" into "'y'om sayin'?"

Just before they reached the rainbow tree, they got into a fight and punched each other. The 9th grader got so mad that he called upon his magic caterpillar to wrap his friend up in a cocoon of wrath. So he did. His friend was so mad that he pulled out his pocket knife and cut the cocoon apart.

He then said to the 9th grader, "In hante youn!"
The 9th grader shot back," Shunt unp!"
His friend replied, "Non! Youn shunt unp!"
The 9th grader would have none of this, "Non! Youn shunt unp!"

And so it went on...

"Non! Youn shunt unp!"
"Non! Youn shunt unp!"
"Non! Youn shunt unp!"
"Non! Youn shunt unp!"

And then they got lazy...

"Youn shunt unp!"
"Youn shunt unp!"
"Youn shunt unp!"
"Youn shunt unp!"
"Youn shunt unp!"

And then they got lazier...

"Shunt unp!"
"Shunt unp!"
"Shunt unp!"
"Shunt unp!"
"Shunt unp!"

And lazier...

"Shhun unp!"
"Shhun unp!"
"Shhun unp!"
"Shhun unp!"
"Shhun unp!"

Lazier...

"Shhu unp!"
"Shhu unp!"
"Shhu unp!"
"Shhu unp!"
"Shhu unp!"

L-A-Z-R

"Shhuunp!"
"Shhuunp!"
"Shhuunp!"
"Shhuunp!"
"Shhuunp!"

LZR...

"Shunp!"
"Shunp!"
"Shunp!"
"Shunp!"
"Shunp!"

UNTIL...

"ShuMp!"

Then they lolololol-ed all the way home.

THEn End (pincey fince)

Time for another* blogski? Yessum.

2008-07-23T13:17:00.011-06:00

Life is going well out here.

Moving on…

I very excite to get my life back so I can start doing the fun things that camp has to offer. Uh… hold on a second. Alright, I’m back now. I had to… never mind. Why? Because it makes no nevermind to you. Last weekend was my cooking crew. We had a fudgin’ blast! Well, at least before we started cooking. Nah, I’m just playin, dawgs. I mean, it’s fun to cook and to cook thingsthat you enjoy to cook and that you enjoy eating and that you know others will enjoy eating, it can, however, be a touch stressful and time consuming. We made a delicious Creamy Pesto con Chicken over Cheese Ravioli/Tortellini (it looked like this, kind of). It rocked the world’s pants! We also made one of my favorite dishes tat my mom makes, Cavatinni (it looked nothing like three ice cream cones, but that’s the closest related picture I got when I googled “cavatinni”). Delicious! For lunch the next day, we made Yacht Clubs (this is an actual picture of the sandwiches we made under normal light conditions in the CCV kitchen).

It was good times. Prior to heading the best cooking crew/cooking experience ever, I sailboarded out to Bird Rock (I'm the one catching that sweet wave) and back with a CIT named Steven (he’s awesome!). It was one of the best times I’ve had out here. It’s times like those I learn to live again… there is so much potential for happiness in this world. I think I learn more and more about the matter every time I come out to good old CCV for the summer. I love it out here. I love the spirit of trustworthiness, loyalness, helpfulness, friendliness, courteousness, kindness, obedientness, cheerfulness, thriftiness, braveness, cleanness, and reverentness. It’s outstanding. I mean, look at this picture---->! If you don’t tear up at this one, you’re tear ducts must be malfunctioning.

I’m the mother flippin’…

Christmas in July is this weekend. Also, this weekend is the 3^rd bi-tri-semi annual Cherry Triathlon. Good times will be had by all. A’ight… I have to go eat lunch and then work on my internship paper, and if you truly think about it… “We’ve all been ground to sausages in Johnny Verbeck’s machine.” Till next time... K THX BAI!

*I think the word “another” is misleading. It should just be “a nother” or “an other”. I mean, c’mon.

Welcome Back, Jordan! Shiz...

2008-07-01T14:27:00.007-06:00

(This BLOG was written like 3 weeks ago... yay for finally getting it posted!)

Here I go… here I go again on my own. This blog has been neglected to the max, and as a consequence (my market analyst tells me) readership is at an all time low. It’s tragic that the problem has even happened, but the healing will begin now… over the course of time. Let us heal. Together. One by one. Until there’s nay more malady in these neck of the woods. Not on my watch, I say!

K. Moving on. I’ll do my darnedest to update you on the month or so I kept you in the dark on. That was a wicked-sweet, preposition-packed sentence (purely improper, as far as English goes). A’ight, where was I?

Staff week was by far the hardest week of my life. I’d go as far as to say that staff week was the hardest week that anybody has ever had, and that anybody was me. OK, you know I’m joking, but seriously, it was fudging hard. I wasn’t nearly as prepared for camp this year as I was last year, and I definitely felt it. All in all, however, it was a very successful week, and we got a lot done. The thing that got me through staff week is the incredible staff we have here. It’s a very inspiring place where the spirit of service runs rampant all over everyone’s Fourth of July pie. Yeah, chew on that one for a while.

Week one was also terribly difficult, as well too. I don’t have any reasons in specific, as to why it was so difficult—that I think would be appropriate to share with the entire world (the target audience of this blog). Let’s just leave it at that. Sometime during either week one or staff week, our Ranger Joe was doing a routine fire system check in order to make sure everything was up to code. During the process, he discovered a little bird nest behind a fire bell. So, he did as any good ranger would do, he dropped them on the ground and left them for dead. Luckily, most of the staffers here actually have hearts and a couple of these said staffers picked up the nest and the birds and started to take care of them. Naturally, being an ornithologist at heart, I jumped right on the band wagon. The hope for their survival didn’t look too good seeing how the mother had left them (or so we thought…). We started nourishing them with really soggy oatmeal, watered down peanut butter, and even beggs (the eggs we get here at camp). After a week of steady feeding, it was apparent and hopeful that the birds were going to make it after all (except for Cory and Joe, who thrive on seeing the destruction of beautiful things). One day, I went out to feed them and they were gone. The End.

Yeah, Cory and I actually had a bet going on which involved one month’s rent as to whether the birds would die or fly away. We decided after much fruitless debate that the fate of the birds was UDIOS (undetermined due to interference of study).

Week two was freakin’ sweet. We had a really good group of scouts and adult leaders. There were also 100 less scouts than normal, so that made things run a bit smoother. I absolutely love this job. It’s taught me so much about life and how to live it. Good times. You know what else I love? More like who I love? My family. I love them. For those of you who aren’t in the loop, my mom is the best mom in the world. I’m sorry that she couldn’t be your mom, too, but she’s pretty much all mine. I mean, I share her with my sister… and her husband… and their kids… and her husband (my pops—also freakin’ incredible)… and Gumpy. I don’t see it as an “I get less of my mom because I have to share her with other people,” though, I think we all get pretty good benefits. And truly, I’m sorry that it sucks so bad that I don’t share her with you, but it’s kind of one of those “sucks to your asthmar” things. No hard feelings, right? K, cool.

It’s now week three and all is well. We’ve had a few issues here and there, but all is truly well. The CCV players are working on this year’s version of The Mariner’s Revenge Song. It’s going to be fantastic!

Are you getting tired of reading yet? I’m getting tired of writhing from being so tired of writing. Therefore, I’ll stop. But I recommend reading a good book. It’s called Seven Habits for Highly Effective People. It’s outstanding! Also, Oh! The Places You’ll Go. Great book! Praying—as I’ve relearned—is also a good thing. Tomorrow is hike day and won’t it be gr8!?!

Random tidbits and newsflashes:

Since being here, I’ve caught two rattlesnakes. Snake catching is a rush.
The new Coldplay album rocks (thanks Joe's girlfriend!).
Dan Riley is getting married, and he’s still chillin’ wit G-Dub.
The water here at camp is phenomenal.
I play poker on Wednesday nights with both of my landlords.
I’m going to Paris in October.
Je parle français assez bien.
I’ma be a rich man some day.
I bought a Martin Backpacker.
My hair is wicked long.
I miss my nephew and niece and their parents and my parents and my dog.
I miss my Pepper Pals, roommates, and friends back home.
Ouija boards are not a portal to the “other side” and they are not “of the devil.”
I’m tired now… so… uh… bye.

Staff Week Day #1 - 1 = 0.

2008-06-07T13:20:00.004-06:00

(so long Mr. President Bush... I don't curr what they say, you're a swell guy)

If math is for schmoozers, then I'm a schmoozer. I love math. I love other things, too... in fact, I love some things so much, I'll tell you what those things schwas.

1. Good things
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Music
5. Feeling good
6. Self-control
7. Reading
8. Books
9. Food
10. Math
11. School
12. Learning
13. Sailing
14. Helping
15. Sleeping
16. Being awake
17. Being alive
18. Gunther
19. ROFLMAO-ing
20. Going to the bathroom
21. Being alone
22. Being around people
23. Being loved
24. Working hard
25. Hardly working
26. Dessert
27. Pillows
28. Numbers
29. Swimming
30. CCV
31. Showering
32. Root Beer
33. Root Beer in a chilled Pilsner Glass
34. Chicken Patty Sandwiches
35. Kayaking to Parson's
36. Nice people
37. Not sucky people
38. Getting cultured
39. Traveling
40. Myself

That's a list of 40 things... by no means is it a Top 40 list, else there would be some Mariah Carey hits somewhere on there. I need to eat and go now...

I am....

2008-06-05T01:58:00.001-06:00

TIRED!!! LET ME SLEEP!!! OMG!!! NBD...

Other languages et merde!

2008-06-01T23:02:00.010-06:00

Today, Cortney found a pair of Daisy Dukes. Who had the round bouncies enough to try them on? C'est moi. Yours truly. Ich bein. Ero. Hence, les pictures. Enjoy me and Cory enjoying our time out here. Funny thing. I texted to chacha (242242) a question of nothing short of junior high quality. I asked, “Is my friend Cory gay?” They responded, “Probably… I mean his name is Cory. Not even Corey. That’s a pretty dead giveaway.” I laughed. We laughed. We all laughed and laughed. As should you laugh. It’s a funny thing. Not even a “you had to be there” kind of funny thing. Also, sorry Mom and Dad if chacha is charging me for every question I ask and they answer. If they are in fact charging me, then they lied, and we can fight it. I have the text to prove it. A’ight. Now it's flight of the concords on Monte's iBook. That's a stellar piece of machinery. I mean, macs to me are usually somewhere between Play-Doh and used hypodermic needles. They’re fun, kid-like, and smell nice, but I really only use them if I absolutely have to (go fat PC guy!). Yeeeeah. We swam today. The water is marvinlouis. We’re also starting a carbonation bet at 12:00 midnight tonight. After midnight, no more carbonation. Loft: 10; Jordan: 0. K. Done! THINKS! (and for the record, I never really use used hypodermic needles... or new ones)

On my 23rd summer...

2008-06-01T00:08:00.004-06:00

I am officially here, my home for the next two months and three weeks. It's nice to be. You know, here. The beauty about summer is that it offers even the oldest feeling people the chance to be young and/or do young things. Yes, indeed, I am here. I'm sleeping for the time being in the OASIS, which is nothing more than a collection of expired hot boxes assembled to form what is typically known as the "girls' quarters." I assure you there is a definite lack of estrogen as Monte Miller and I hold down the fort. You probably don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, worry not. My right toenail is misshapen on account of a previous stubbing of it against my apparently well-built CRATE amp. I feel the effects of my blunder now, which is why I warn you now. Watch your toes. Also, isn't it frakin' sweet that I'm getting 6 hours of college credit for this summer's work? Thank you. Thank you for silently agreeing with me. And yes I meant to say "frakin.'" The word is far underused or never. I'm working on isolating my creativity while Im out here. I wish to focus my energies into a single direction/goal... kind of like how Ryu or Ken (hence the term "RYUKEN" which is commonly sloppily slurred into "HADUKIN" or "ORIYUKEN" or "ORAIALSKIN") would focus a sh** ton of energy into a single ball of electrically hot fury and rage and destruction. Yeah. I would use my energies to make more of a fluffle delicious ball... like a marshmallow. I was once taught how marshmallows were made. THANKS NECSL! K THX BAI!

Off to the Isle of Love and Magical Loveness Magic...

2008-05-28T12:34:00.004-06:00

Hark! Hello, kids. I'm heading out to Santa Catalina Island for another (my 8th, to be exact) summer of fun on this Saturday. I promised a number of my friends that I would keep my blog up to date while I was away. It's funny that friends would expect me to make such a promise. I don't think that's a very friend-like thing to do. I won't mention any names... you know who you are. I won't mention any names, but I do expect compensation for my quiet keeping of this secret. You may make payment in the form of money (of course), baked goods, magical fairy toenails, or money. I haven't written anything for quite sometime. I hope you know that I have blackmailing power. I could write things about you. I could write terrible things about you. They would be terrible on a few levels, but I'll let you figure those out.

What am I even getting at? I think I know what you're not telling me. Your jumpy steps speak loudly and clearly. And, fortunately, my Blogger now saves my drafts automatically! This is a good thing and ensures that you will get to read my nonsense no matter what. My dog Gunther is the best dog in the world. I will stand and challenge anyone who wants to contend. Merry tidings to ya'll. I'm off to the ma'll.

This loife... a moighty thing.

2008-03-24T22:42:00.004-06:00

So I chose Verdana as my font. So what? I really don't know wtf I am writing right now. To be honest, I just started this whole blog jazz because I wanted to practice my typing skills. So, how am I doing? You're answers will not give me a fair judgment of how well I'm doing. You have no idea it has taken me to write up unto this point. You will never know because I will never tell you.

So... changers. We all know them. But what can we do about them? Nothing. We're changers ourselves. It's OK, though. The only part that's crappy about this realization is that the efficacy of the "you've changed" card is pretty much nil. It's OK, though. There's no higher ground to stand than bottom of the pile. The enemy is you, as well. Give it up. OK.

So I didn't drive at all today. I didn't stay at home either. I took myself and my wicked facial hair to the places I needed to go by means of my feet. I also utilized the public transportation system. I worked. I made approx $11. I spent a good $35 after work. Thank good Hell for savings.

My style? Don't bog yourself down with it. You'll only bother your chi. A'int worth it. It just helps me practice. Don't comment back. This is for me. I'll drive away when I can. Ginger Ale, I love your skill. Take me to open fields. I'll ride back down. Sage and scented. I'm done with discontentedness. That's right. I'ms outski, dawg. Now, for the last time, will you please turn that damn thing off?